Monday, November 29, 2010

Sega Genesis, Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

After the forty days and forty nights God caused a wind to blow and the waters began to recede. You may think that only evaporation can cause water to disappear from the surface of the Earth, but with God as your evaporation and precipitation regulator, anything is possible.
On the seventh day of the seventh month, which would have been the 181st day or so, the ark came to rest on the top of a mountain near the former land of Ararat. Three months later the tops of the mountains became visible. In the last chapter it was said that it only took a hundred and fifty days altogether for the water to disappear, but with God as your calendar manufacturer, anything is possible.
At the end of forty days Noah sent out a raven. The raven flew and flew and flew until the waters on all the earth had dried up, then it returned. Then Noah sent out a dove to see if the waters had receded from the lands. The dove could not find a resting place for its feet because the world was still covered in water, so it returned to Noah later that night.
Noah looked at the raven, “What the hell, Mr. Raven? I thought you flew and flew and flew until the waters on all the earth had dried up. What happened to that?”
The raven looked at him as if to say no, really, it was all dry, I swear!
“Seriously Mr. Raven? You expect me to believe that bullshit? I know the dove better than I know you, and I trust him. He came back to me tonight, telling me that all the water on the earth is not dried up after all. What do you have to say to that?”
The raven had nothing to say to that.
Now God had commanded that Noah take seven pairs of each winged creature on the ark for a reason, and it was quite serendipitous that God was so wise, otherwise we would no longer have ravens. That night there remained only six pairs of ravens and one female raven, and Noah and his kinship feasted on Raven stew, thus creating the rule “All lairs are made into soup.”
Seven days later Noah sent out the dove again. It returned to him later that night with a freshly plucked olive leaf in his beak. Although he killed every living thing that walked the earth, God exempted trees. Otherwise, how would God get his olive tapenade? Seeing the olive branch, Noah knew that the waters had receded from the earth. He could have looked out of the window he sent the dove out of, of course, but Noah knew better than to trust his perception. A week later Noah sent out the dove once again and this time the dove did not return. Noah knew that this meant that the earth was now dry and he, his kinship, and the animals could leave the ark. The earth was dry, but that's not the reason the dove didn't return; it flew all the way to Michigan and started a hand soap company. And that's where Dove Brand Products come from.
On Noah's six hundred and first birthday he finally removed the covering from the ark and saw that the ground was dry, which he could have done in the first place, but he'd rather have expended some birds first. Fifty-eight days later the earth was dry. The ground, of course, being mutually exclusive from the earth. Do not question this logic; for with God as your earth-dryer, anything is possible.
On this fifty-eighth day God spoke once again to Noah, saying “Noah!”
“God! Long time no see! Or hear, rather. Where have you been?”
“Where y'all think I been? This some kinda interrogation?” asked God.
“No, I—”
“Silence! Now's the time. You gotta get yo ass out that ark. You, yo bitch, yo boys, they bitches, all them animals n' shit. All that shit, get it out that big-ass boat. All them birds, all them bugs, them motha fuckin' animals and even the fish.”
“Fish? You didn't tell me to get any fish...”
“Y'all didn't get the fish? What the fuck mane? Oh no, oh no!”
Noah panicked, “But you didn't say to get the fish. Was I supposed to? Oh glory no, what have I done? What have I done?” he said, beginning to weep.
“Hahaha, nigga you been stung!” said God, “I was only fuckin' wich'a. I flooded the damn Earff, the fish is fine.”
Noah revealed a large frown and briefly considered the benefits to atheism.
“So, we can go?” asked Noah.
“Bet yo ass you can go. I want that fuckin' boat now. Get off my fuckin' boat. Let dem animals out and let'em get fuckin'!”
And Noah did what the lord told him to. He, his wife, his sons and their wives all exited the boat along with all the pairs of animals, those that flew, those that walked, those that crawled, those that burrowed through the earth—those clean and those unclean. All exited the ark.
Upon exiting the Ark, Noah built an altar to God. Upon building the alter he rounded up several of the clean animals and made burnt offerings to God, first slaying the animals upon the alter then burning their bodies. God was pleased for a while until he noticed something.
“Yo Noah, where is the unicorn at?”
“Oh God, I'm glad you noticed. I've built this altar to you, and what I did is I took one of the Unicorns and I slew it and burnt it in your name, offering up a sacrifice to your glory!”
“Noah, is you some kinda clown-ass fool?”
“I'm sorry God?”
“Where's the other unicorns at?”
“Oh, well a good number of them I think are kind of to the west of the mountain near...” God interrupted him.
“Motha fucka, those the horses.”
“Oh. Well I'm sure they're around here somewhere. We've got like, six more pair and another fem—” Noah was cut off again.
“No. Da Unicorns was unclean. They's only two.”
“Really? Well they were white and I thought that...”
“Motha what the? Listen mane, just 'cause it's white don't mean the fuck it's clean. Look at the jackrabbit. That motha fucka fuck like a motha fuckin' jackrabbit and that ain't no fuckin' clean animal. Sinful, sinful motha'bitch.”
“Oh, well I'm uh, I'm sure...” Noah trailed off.
“Yo monkey ass has just killed the last my last mo'fuckin' unicorn, dummy! And there ain't no more on the way.”
“And I can't go on makin' anotha one you know!”
“I—um, I, uh...” Noah stammered.
“Bitch please. I'm done with y'all,” said God, whereupon he cracked open his seventh Coors light of the day.
After his tenth Coors light God began to feel charitable again. He called down on Noah. “Yo, Noah!”
Noah was busy burning more animals, ones he was sure he had multiples of. “Yes, my God?”
“Listen mane, I didn't mean all that shit. Fuck the unicorns, they was just horses wit horns on dey fuckin' dumb ass heads, anyways. Fuck it. Listen mane, I've made a cedisio—fuck—I've made a decision. From now on I ain't gonna fuck with da Earff 'cause a' man, even though they all fuckin' dummies from the time dey born. I ain't gonna do what I just did again, that was kinda fucked, mane.”
“Yeah,” Noah agreed. “That was a pretty messed up thing to do.”

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sega Genesis, Chapters 6 and 7

Chapter Six

When people started to multiply, they popped out some fly honies. Every guy that walked the earth saw these fly honies and said “Dayyyummm!” Thus they took wives from any one of them they wanted. They did not ask for wives; there were no proposals; they took them, much the same way you'd take a free newspaper or Halloween candy that's in a bowl that says We're Out Right Now So Help Yourself – Only Take One Piece! and of course very few of these dudes—much like you and the Halloween candy—could help themselves, and many of them took two, three, four or more wives. None of them were married, however, they were just fucking. Perhaps “wives” isn't the right term. I think “fuck buddies” or “rape victims” would be more befitting. Yes; men would take two, three, four or more rape victims.
God looked down on the men and said to himselves, “Know what? Since deez nigga ain't gonna live forever, dey ain't gonna believe in me forever. I think I'll kill 'em all after one-hundred and twenty years.” There were good men around, of course, but they were few and far between.
God looked down on the men of earth and read their minds. He found out that they were constantly thinking about evil things and sin and all that nasty stuff, and he was highly offended. Even though he created every single one of them and knew in advance exactly how their lives were going to play out, he was still kind of pissed off that they were evil. God, of course, designed them to be evil, and having dominion over all made them think the evil thoughts that offended him so much. He regretted that he made something that he knew he was going to eventually regret and said to himselves, “Fuck dis noise. Fuck it all. Why'd I make all this bullshit anyways? Mankind is a fucked up motha fucka, so I'mma go ahead and kill 'em. No, wait, I'm so pissed I'mma kill everything! That'll show those clown-ass foos. Oh yeah, except that Noah-ass motha fucka, he's cool.”

Noah was down with God. God was down with Noah. Noah killed a lot of animals for God and every time he'd come over he'd always bring a half-rack of Coors light, which pleased God greatly. The rest of humanity, for the most part, were a bunch of violent, hyper-sexual, sinful cunt chimneys.
One day Noah was hanging out with God. God opened his ninth Coors light (by now he was a little tipsy) and he said to Noah, “Mane, this shit's allll fucked up, you know? I'mma kill everything alive 'cause, the way I see it, all this bullshit violence is being caused by everythin' that alive. I'mma destroy they sorry asses and the Erff.”
“The Erff?” asked Noah.
“The Earth,” God clarified, annunciating.
Noah gulped and pulled out his collar as if to cool himself down. He grew very nervous and God could sense the nervousness on his face and in his motions. “Don't worry nigga, I ain't gonna kill you! I wanchu ta be like my number one main man!” He said to Noah's relief. “Now what I wanchu to do,” God continued, “is that you need to build a big motha fuckin' boat, yeah? You need to build a boat and I got plans n' shit here. The boat's gonna be like onna dem fuckin' sweet ass yaughts like you see on the rap videos.”
“Rap videos?” asked Noah in utter confusion.
“Did I say that? Fuck mane, I'm getting' drunk!”
“But, what's a rap video?” Noah asked for clarification.
“Don't worry my man, dat shit's way in the future. Like, couple thousand or sumfin'. Anyway, I want y'all to make a boat and it's gonna be all four-hunder' n' fiffy feet long, seveny-five feet wide, n' fow-tee-five feet high. You gotta cover it in tar and sap and shit so it don't leak, then build a roof on that motha fucka and then you gotta put like, a door too. Check this shit out.”
God handed Noah a heavily scribbled-on cocktail napkin that had Ark Plans written on it with a few numbers along with the words Roof, Door and Big Ass Boat.
“Um, I hate to question you, God, but why do I need a big boat?”
“Don't interrupt me, nigga! I was just gettin' to that. What I'mma do is I'mma flood this Earff wit' water and drown all deez phony niggas and snitches out!”
“Oh my! I'm to be the only one left? What about my family, dear lord? What about my wife and my sons and...”
“Man, shut yo monkey-ass up and don't interrupt! I'mma let you take yo bitch and yo boys and yo boy's bitches. You also gotta take two of every animal, a boy an'a girl. Den you gots 'ta get all kinds'a food in the world to feed yo family and the animals.”
Noah looked in perplexity at the cocktail napkin, “Um, are you sure all of this is going to fit on this boat? I mean, there's a lot of animals out there and won't the animals try to eat the other animals? I mean—”
God cut him off, “What the fuck? You sayin' I ain't legit? You sayin' my science ain't tight? My science is too tight, nigga. You best respek or yo ass'll be off that boat and in that flood.”
Noah postured a diminutive frown.
Noah spent an entire century building the boat with his sons. Routinely the townspeople from nearby would come and point and laugh, saying, “Look at that moron, look at him building his giant boat. What a big dummy boat.” Then they'd yell, “Hey Noah, why you building that boat?” and Noah would respond, “God told me to!” and they'd laugh a big guffaw and have their kicks at his expense. “Did you hear 'im? He said 'God told me to!', oh boy, gee golly what a laugh and a half.” Noah would grin a knowing, sinister grin. The grin of a man who knows of the impending doom of the earth but won't tell anybody about it because he looks forward to repopulating the earth by himself.

Chapter Seven

When the century was up, and Noah had the boat completed, God came to him and said, “Whoa mane, that fuckin' boat's a little smaller than I thought. I hope y'all can get all this shit on here.”
“You said it would all fi—it's just two of every animal and a bunch of food, right?” asked Noah pathetically.
“Shit bro, I didn't tell y'all? Y'alls supposed 'ta take two of every dirty animal n' shit. Y'all gotta take seven a' the fuckin' clean ones and the birds. Didn't you think about that shit?”
“What...what do you mean clean and dirty animals? Are we talking the ones that roll around in mud are clean?”
“Fuck nah. The clean ones is the animals that ain't all sinful and shit and don't fuck each otha' bu'fo marriage.”
“Fuck each o—what do you mean? Animals don't get married. They can't be morally clean or sinful, they're animals!” Noah protested.
“What the fuck, bitch? I made all deez mo' fuckin' animals and you tellin' me they ain't dirty o' clean? You better check yo-self.”
“Befo y'all wreck yo-self.”
Noah sighed. No matter what he said, he was a faithful servant of God. He couldn't argue with God's will, so he just sighed, resigned himself and said, “Okay.”
God continued, “'Cause in one motha fuckin' week I'mma come up and boom! I'mma flood this motha fuckin' Earff like you ain't neva seen this mo'fucka flooded before. This shit's gonna be the wettest mo'fuckin' flood yo ass has eva seen, nigga!”
One week later the floods began to come. Waves rose up like great azure liquid walls surrounding the land and the heavens opened and let the rain come forth. When the waves began to come, so did the animals. In pairs of two, male and female, clean and unclean, things that crawled and things that flew, things that walked and things that burrowed from place to place in the soil. They all came. They all fit. It was a logistical impossibi—rather, a logistical improbability, but everything is possible with God as your boat engineer.
For forty days and forty nights it rained. Some people think the rain comes in cycles. With God, however, whenever all of the evaporated water was precipitated and used up he added more clouds and made more water. When the floods ended, God figured, he'd take back the excess water he put on the earth.
All of the land on the earth was flooded and everything on land died; things that crawled, things that flew, things that walked, things that burrowed through the earth, things clean and things unclean, animals that were both sinful and unsinful; they all died. All except that which was with Noah on his big-ass yacht.
The waters were fierce; day after day for forty days and nights the waters swarmed and sweltered the land, swelling up first beyond all the buildings, then beyond all the trees, then over the hills and then over the mountains. The waters rose up twenty feet over the mountains, which—if you do the math—means that the waters rose over six miles above sea level. Things got wet. The ark rose so high that it was hard to breathe, the air being so thin that high up in the atmosphere.
Everything, everything on land and in the air was killed. The ark, however, floated above the torrents gleefully like a rubber ducky in a bathtub, for God looked after the ark and made sure that shit didn't fuck up. He wasn't about to have to start from scratch again and make another man from dust, only to have him be tempted again by his woman, who was tempted by a dust-eating serpent to eat educational fruit. God didn't want to have to go through that shit again.
Now it is said that everything on dry land that breathed air died. This, of course, does not account for the fish in the sea and all things that breathed of water. It is well known that God is a big fan of fish (having created sea animals before land animals), and thus he spared the fish, even the dirty, sinful ones.
After the forty days and forty nights of rain the pouring stopped. The water remained on the earth for another one-hundred and ten days before things got back to normal. It took just three and a half months for five miles deep of water to evaporate, to which God said, “Yeah boyy, my science is too tight!”

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sega Genesis, Chapters 3, 4 and 5

Chapter Three

To understand The Serpent, you must first understand that The Serpent is a dick. For some reason God created him, knowing he'd be a dick, and knowing that he'd eventually cause man to fall from his favor. God—being omniscient—always knew that man would fall from his favor, but he created them anyways. Why? Don't ask; it's part of his plan.

One day the first woman was walking through the Garden when she happened upon the Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The serpent, being a dick, was hanging out on the forbidden tree, trying to peer pressure whoever came along. The woman happened to cross his path right after he used the tree-bathroom.
“Yo bitch!” said the serpent.
“You want some fruit?”
“I—I don't think I want that fruit,” responded the woman.
Why don't you want that fruit?” asked the serpent in a sing-songed mocking feminine voice. “Didn't God say you could eat from every tree in the garden?”
Yeah, that's right, but we're not supposed to eat from that tree,” said the woman. “God says if we eat from that tree, we die.”
“Oh come on!” said the serpent in sarcastic surprise. “You believe that bullshit? God knows that when you eat from this tree that you'll totally see shit for how it really is, man. He totally knows that when you eat this fruit you'd be just like Gods, and he doesn't want that, you know? Big guy doesn't want any competition.”
“Oh,” said the woman. “Well, when you put it that way...” and she took down one of the fruits and ate it. It tasted great, like most sinful things do. “Hey Adam!” called the woman, “You should take a bit of this, it's friggin delicious!”
“Okay,” said Adam. They feasted.

Instantly Adam and the woman's eyes were opened to the realities of the world.
“Whoa!” said Adam in surprise. “Is that a snake up there?”
“More of a serpent, really,” said the woman.
“No matter, man. That thing can totally see my junk. Yours, too! He's totally perving on us!” exclaimed Adam.
“Oh my God, you're totally right!” yelped the woman. The two tied fig leaves together to make some makeshift clothing.
“Damn, what was up with that? One moment we were all naked and okay with it, and the next—” the woman was shut up instantly as Adam clasped his hand over her mouth.
Do you hear that?” asked Adam. The woman shook her head no.
“I think God's totally walking around here, let's go hide!” They hid.
It was Sunday and it was the Saint's bye week, so God was taking a leisurely stroll in the garden. He wanted to hang out with Adam and shoot the shit, but he was nowhere to be found. Geez, thought God to himselves, I'm omniscient, why is it I can't find my one man and woman on this earth?
“Hey!” God called. “Adam, you there bro?”
Adam emerged from the bushes with twigs and pine needles about his hair. “Right here, God-o,” he said. “Sorry, I was just—you know, I was naked and didn't want you to walk in on me or anything.”
“What?” asked God in surprise. “Who said you was naked? You didn't get hold of a mirror, did you? I'm not suppose ta have those invented for another four thousand years, around when I...oh, nevermind. How'd you know y'all's asses was naked?” God thought about it for a second, “Wait a Mennonite minute, did y'all eat off that tree I told you not to?”
Adam cast a dejected look towards the green earth, “Yeah,” he said humbly, but then amended the statement, “but it was totally the woman that told me to!”
God looked at the woman with fury, demanding an explanation. “It—it was totally the serpent! He made me do it!” she stammered.
God looked at the serpent with utter indignation, “Really mane? Did you play a brotha like that?” he asked him.
“What are you talking about?” asked the serpent, “It was totally you who created me to tell them to...”
God cut him off, “Damn you serpent motha fucka! 'Cause'a wach'u done, you gonna be all like cursed below everything in the whole damned field. For the rest of eternity and shit, I damn you and all yo' goofy ass kin to run on yo' belly and eat dust like a little bitch.”
“Dust?” protested the serpent. “Surely you don't mean I'll actually eat dust, I mean...”
“I have spoken, nigga!” said God, and the serpent was cast to the ground, never to speak again, and dammed to eat dust for eternity.

Serpents soon went extinct, since dust has little to no nutritional value.

“And you!” said God to the woman in equal temperament. “Guess what imma do to you?”
“I, I,” the woman stuttered in fright.
What I'm gonna do for you is make it hurt like a bitch every time you have a baby. No, wait, I'm going to make it hurt like a motha fucka fo' every female for every animal. How y'all like that? You just went and fucked over yo' entire gender, happy?”
“No, I...” started the woman, but she was summarily cut off by God's booming baritone.
“Know what else? Y'all're gonna be yo husband's bitch. You a slave fo' life, baby.”
The woman began to cry.
And you!” God shouted towards Adam, throwing a spiteful shit-fit. “'Cause yo dumb ass listens to women, y'all're gonna have ta work for the rest of you life, and every man after you is going to have to work fo all they damned lives!”
“Work?” asked Adam, still getting a hold of the language.
“Yea nigga, it means y'all is gonna haffa do shit and sweat yo ass out to make some bread, get it?”
“Yeah mane, it's like this shit that...I haven't showed you bread, really?”
“Yeah,” continued Adam in confusion, “what's bread?”
“Well,” started God, “bread is like—fuck—y'all know wheat?”
“I know wheat.”
Okay, so like y'all mash up the wheat a shit-ton 'till it's all like this shit y'all call flour, okay? The flower is like this powdery shit. You mix that shit with water n' yeast.”
“What's yeast?”
“Oh, dammit, nevermind. I'll explain to y'all some other time.”
“I just wanted to kn—” started Adam.
God cut him off, “Shut up, dummy! Where was I? Oh, right, you haffa work for eternity. And yo dumbass children, too.”
“Well what if I decide...”
Anticipating his answer, God shouted, “You die! That's what happens. You don't have anything to eat and you starve, okay?”
“What else?” asked God to himselves, “Oh, right. Bitch, yo name's Eve!”
“Because you the mother of all living!”
“I'm not sure I get the connection...” postulated Eve.
“You questionin' me?” asked God.
“Well, it's just that Eve really doesn't...”
“Shut up, ho!” said God and shut her up with his power. “Here, take these,” he said, throwing some fur coats to Adam and Eve. “Get cho ugly motha fuckin' asses dressed and get the fuck out my medammed garden!”

Chapter Four

Adam knew his wife; which is to say that he shot his wad right between her thighs, and nine months later a dude named Cain fell out. “Hey God!” she yelled upon giving birth, raising a defiant middle finger towards heaven, “I've made a man, looks like you're not the only one that can do that!”
God shrugged his shoulders and went back to drinking his Coors light.
Soon thereafter Eve gave birth to Abel. Abel had a certain penchant for raising animals, whereas Cain was good at raising crops, and thusly had the world's first grow-op, making him the first weed dealer in history. The only person who bought from him, of course, was Abel, since herding sheep requires the kind of patience you can only gain by smoking an ass-load of kushy, dank buds.
When harvest time came, Cain brought down his fruits and vegetables and even a QP of his finest bud and burned it in an offering to God. At the same time Abel brought down the fattest of his flock of sheep and killed it on an alter to God in sacrifice. God didn't find any entertainment in the picking and burning of fruits and he preferred the inebriative effects of Coors light to those of high-resin marijuana—since pot made him way too paranoid to the point that he'd start to think that he (the holy ghost) was totally judging him and making fun of him (the father) behind his back, even though they shared the same back; however, he did find a jovial sadistic pleasure in the slaughter of innocent animals, so naturally he favored Abel's sacrifice over Cain's. Cain caught wind of this and wandered the fields in indignation, cursing and scowling.
God saw this and spoke to Cain, saying, “Wassup mane? Why you so fuckin' pissed? Ain't it the troof at if you do what's right you'll be solid? But you know if ya don't do what is right, sin is gonna fuck wit chu, mane. It's a motha fucka.”

Later that day Cain came to Abel and said to him, “Hey broham, do you want to go out into the field and hang out?”
“Why?” Abel asked suspiciously.
“You know, because we have nothing better to do.”
“Well, we can sit here, on the ground.”
“Yeah, but you've been doing that all day.”
“But I went out into the field yesterday.”
“Yeah, but sometimes it's nice to have variety in your life,” Cain postulated.
“That's what I'm saying,” retorted Abel, “I was in the field yesterday, today I'm sitting here on the ground. Tomorrow I'll go walk out in the field again. It's like, my routine.”
“Please? I'm bored.”
“I don't really...”
“Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”
“Well...Okay,” said Abel, finally giving in. “But tomorrow, I want to sit there the whole day.”
“Okay, that's fine,” said Cain.
The two went walking out in the field. When they'd reached a point far beyond the distance of their mother and father, Cain took his planned course of action.
“Hey, Abel, look over there, it's a serpent!”
“A serpent?” asked Abel. “I thought those dust-eating creatures went extinct from being only able to eat du—” he stopped as Cain brought down a large rock on his head.
“Take that! And take that too! And that you animal sacrificing piece of shit! That's what you get for making me look like a dumbass for burning plants! You stupid sheep herding pile of crap asshole mother...” Cain continued on into the night hacking, whacking, and pounding away at his brother's head.
The next day Cain went wandering the fields when God called on him, “Yo Cain, you see Abel anywhere? I've been searchin' that nigga all medammed day and I can't find his monkey ass anywhere.”
“I, uh, I don't know God, I guess he—I don't know. What am I supposed to be, anyways, his bodyguard or something? How the hell should I know where he is?” Cain responded cryptically.
The lord looked at him sarcastically, “Mane, whachu think I am? Some kinda clown-ass nigga? I'm damned all-knowing you goofy ass motha fucka. Yo brotha's blood and the ground told me you offed his sorry ass. You know what? You done a brotha wrong. 'Cause you fucked wit' the ground by getting yo brotha's blood on it you can use that ground no mo. You can't plant shit from now on, and I'mma make you a wanderin' hobo motha fucka, bitch.”
Cain began to cry, trying to seek God's mercy, “No, no please God, I don't want to *sniff* I don't want to be a hobo. Please? If you make me go then I gotta hide from you, and I don't *sniff* wanna! If I'm a hobo anybody who sees me is gonna kill me!”
Of course, there were now three people in the world. Cain was afraid that the other two—his mother and father—might kill him. What the fuck?
God didn't want to hear his bitching and moaning anymore after a while, “A'ight, a'ight. I'll tell y'all what. I'mma make yo sorry ass a deal. You still a hobo, but anybody that fucks wit' you gonna get it seven times as bad. Seven times, nigga!”
God put a special mark on Cain, saying “Don't fuck with this man,” thus creating the world's first hobo and the world's first prison ink.
Cain left later that day and went to live in Nod, which is a place East of Eden. No relation to the book.

When he got to Nod, Cain knew his wife, which is to say they bumped uglies without protection and neither of them had enough to cover an abortion (recall Cain couldn't grow any plants, and even through Planned Parenthood at the time an abortion cost half a bushel of wheat just for the down payment). Nine months later, Cain's wife shat out Enoch. At the same time, Cain was busy building a city (yes, by himself). He decided to name it Enoch—after his firstborn son—because Cain was totally uncreative with names.

Enoch was the great-great-great-great-grandfather to a dude named Jabal. Jabal was the first man to live in a tent. Interesting historical bit, eh? Jabal's brother, Jubal, was the first to play harp and flute. Jabal's mother would often say to him, “I'm so glad you're doing so well with your livestock business! I hear you just got a new tent!” and he'd say, “Yes mother, it has front flaps now.” She'd respond, “Oh my Lord! How wonderful! You know, your brother, Jubal, is still living his little fantasies of trying to make it as a professional musician and I tell him, 'why don't you be more like your brother and live in a tent and raise livestock?' and he says to me, 'fuck you mom', can you believe that? And then he says to me, 'I'm living my dream, and you shouldn't try to bring down my dream because you got knocked up with Jabal and couldn't live yours!' and then he runs out nearly in tears! Can you believe that?” and Jabal says, “It's okay ma, I'll talk to him. Maybe I'll see again if he wants to work with me raising livestock.” and she responds, “Would you do that? That would be so good of you.”

Jabal and Jubal had a step-brother named Tubal-Cain, who was the first blacksmith, ever. There was no war in those days, so there was no need for armor or weapons, ergo Tubal-Cain made what he called “tools” but what everybody else called “useless”. Some examples are; a pipe created for the collection of kinds of dirt so that the dirt can then be carried to another field and the colors and textures of the dirt can be compared—a giant bronze hat made to block out the sun, but always was more burdensome from its weight than it was helpful—the first deck of playing cards, although it was made out of iron so shuffling a deck took upwards of fifteen minutes and when the cards were all stacked it stood as high as two men—a branding iron, although since everybody was in the same family, there was no need for it, and on and on went the list of his useless inventions.

One day Lamech—the father of Jabal, Jubal and Tubal-Cain—came home with a scrape on his knee. He spoke to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, listen to me! You, wives of Lamech, listen to my words! I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for hurting me. If Cain is to be avenged seven times as much, then Lamech seventy-seven times!” he raged in fury. Jabal overheard this and asked his father, “Father, what did the man do?”
His father responded, “The man thought it would be funny to trip me, and I scraped my gosh damned knee!”
“Father, isn't your punishment a little, um, harsh for such a petty offense?” asked the faithful son.
“Didn't you hear me? Seventy-seven! Do you know what a scraped knee times seventy-seven is?”
“I do not, father.”
“A scraped knee times seventy-seven is death!” his father shouted in drunken rage. Lamech had anger issues.

Soon after the knee incident, Adam knew his wife, again, which is to say—well, you know. They did it. They named their son Seth. After Seth fell out of her, Eve remarked, “God has given me another child in place of Abel because Cain killed him.” Adam responded, “Well, you can't really replace a dead child, can you? I mean, I really cared for Abel...” Eve cut him off saying, “He's male, isn't he? This is like God's return policy.” Adam shrugged it off, but decided to beat his wife later for her disobedience. Seth had a son who he named Enosh. That is not pertinent to the story in any way, so you can go ahead and forget Enosh. He was kind of a pussy, anyways.

Chapter Five

Adam was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of Noah. When Noah was five-hundred years old he had three children; triplets he named Shem, Ham and Jepheth.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sega Genesis, Chapters 1 and 2

 I've decided to take it upon myself to translate the modern English King James Version of The Bible into the modern vernacular. Some of the more boring parts (e.g., the "begats", some overlaps, etc.) are paraphrased, but aside from modern colloquialisms, liberal use of Coors Light and a few wry remarks here and there, this is a fairly faithful (no pun intended) translation of The Bible. And it's not boring as shit to read.

Chapter One

Monday: Monday Morning, God created the Heaven and the Earth (first mistake). The earth was rather dark and inhospitable, so God was like, “Let there be light.” God's a real go-getter, and when he says something, that shit gets done. So there was light. God thought the light was pretty cool, so he separated the light from the darkness (because as everybody knows, darkness is totally uncool). God needed a name for light (besides light), so he went ahead and called it Day. God had the same problem with darkness—not having a good synonym, that is—so he called it Night.

So far, so good.

Tuesday: God still thought his project needed some touching up, so he went to work. He created a big dome to separate the Earth from outer space, which was probably a pretty good idea. We'll call this the space dome. Still holding steady.

Wednesday: God looked at earth and thought that a planet filled entirely with water probably wouldn't go over so well, so he decided that maybe he ought to throw in some land. He called water and land The Seas and Earth respectively, and then proceeded to do some hardcore metagardening. He looked at his project and thought to himself sweet.

Thursday: On day four God decided that his space dome needed some decoration so he put up some little shiny things and called them stars. Meanwhile, the plants from the third day were apparently doing okay without sunlight. There were also some technical difficulties with the light he created on the first day, so he decided that he'd let the stars handle the whole “light thing”. They also helped to clear up the whole day and night thing from the first day. God looked back and realized that most of the first day had been a total wash, since he was only resolving the whole day and night thing now. Whatever he thought to himself, it's all good.

Friday: God got kind of bored just having a solid wet rock inside his space dome, so he went ahead and decided to start something called life. He said, “Let the waters make life!” and every creature that comes from the sea came from the sea right then.
Pretty cool, huh? Beginner's shit, just you wait.
God thought that wun't bad fo a day, making every animal and shit and took a break until the next day.

Saturday: God was unsatisfied with all his water toys like a cranky toddler that doesn't want to take a bath so he said, “Let's get this shit movin' on land!” and poof! He made all the land animals.
God looked at himself in a mirror and thought who's that sexy fucker? Hey, maybe I should make a race of sexy fucks like me! So he did, and he called them man (second mistake). From here, things take a little nosedive.

God looked at all the animals and man and said, “Listen mane; all that shit down there is yo's. That's right, fo' free! How 'bout that? Now I want you to eat n' drink and fuck and fuck and fuck, okay? Get yo crunk and yo funk on, feel it?”

Day Seven: God kicked back with a half-rack of Coors and watched the game.

Chapter Two

Here's God; kicking back on Sunday, watching the game. He's got a NO Saints beer cozy in his hand with a Coors light in it. God doesn't like cheap beer by any means, don't get me wrong, but after you drink six or seven really good beers you might as well be passed out. Six or seven Coors Lites will get you a good buzz going, even if you have to go piss like every five to ten minutes. God, however, is pretty much Omnipotent, so he can hold his bladder for like an hour, even after two six packs.

God, even with nobody around, likes to talk to himself. He likes to think aloud, one might say. This might be because he's got a really cool and powerful voice, or it might be because he's actually three people and he needs to address the other two versions of himself. It's never very clear who's talking out of the three (The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit), but you can be damn sure it's always God.

God, being done with his little project, decides to play with it. What's the point of spending a whole week on something if you can't play with it? There is none, exactly. God looks down and creates man again out of dust. I know, I know, he created man on the sixth day, but maybe he made a kind of rushed model and he wants to make a new one out of dust—because everybody knows that dust is a great building material. He calls this dude Adam.

God looked around for a place to put man, and decided Eden was pretty nice. Lots of trees, good sunlight—prime real estate, really. Someplace you might like to retire. God did a little gardening work and then placed man right there to be his gardener and groundskeeper, because if there's anything God hates, it's doing maintenance.

In the garden God put a big tree. He called this tree The Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Pretty epic, right?
Well, God tells Adam, “Hey, listen, you can eat anything in this garden you damn well please except for the fruit off The Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you eat that, you die. Sound good?”
“Cool.” said Adam. “Oh, hey, God?” Adam meekly continued.
“Yeah?” asks God.
“Well I was thinking, I've got this thing between my legs.”
“Yeah, I call that shit a penis.”
“Right, right. Well, I've been playing with it...”
“I noticed.” says God, chuckling at maybe the first snide sexual comment in history.
Well,” continues Adam, “I've noticed that all the other beasts use their, uh, penises? Is that right?”
“Right, penises.”
“Well I've noticed that they use them with other animals, other animals that don't have penises.”
“Hold that thought!” said God, as he brought forth every single animal in existence.
“What's up with this?” asked asked Adam.
“Well,” said God, “I made all these animals and shit, but I don't really want to take the time to name 'em, so I thought I'd leave that bullshit up to you.”
“Are you serious?” asked Adam. “There's gotta be a ton of animals here! There's no way I can name all of these.
“Tee-eff-Bee.” said God.
“I'm sorry?”
“Too Fuckin' Bad. Get a'namin'!”
“Oh goddammit.”
“Excuse me?” asked God in a threatening authoritative tone.
“I mean, uh...okay.”
Some centuries later, when Adam was done, God came back.

“So where were we?” asked God.
“I...I don't even remember.”
“Oh!” said God, “I 'rememba, y'all wanted some pussy.”
“But I have pussy, somewhere. I named that furry little creature like, thirty years ago.”
“No, no, I'm talkin' 'bout da other kind of pussy.”
“Uh...” Adam said, still not knowing a whole lot of nouns.
“I mean, you know, a woman? You want somebody to hang out wit' and use your penis on?”
“Yeah,” said Adam, “could you do me a solid like that?”
“Check this shit out!” said God and he cast a sleeping spell on Adam.
“What the...” Adam trailed off as he collapsed.

When Adam awoke he discovered that he was missing one of his ribs. He also discovered that God had made him this promised “pussy”.
“Whoa! Thanks God!” said Adam.
“It ain't nuttin, mane.” said God as he gave Adam a hi-five. “What are you gonna call her?”
“I get to name her?” asked Adam.
“Sure, like the animals.”
“Well,” said Adam, “isn't she a human, like me?”
“'Couse, mane, but y'all gotta have a name fo yo bitch. You know, so you can oppress her.”
“Oh, okay. I guess I'll call her Woman, then, because she was taken out of man.”
“Wha?” remarked God.
“What? Does everything you do make sense?” asked Adam. God shrugged.
Everybody was naked, and everything was cool.