The Bible is the most read book on the planet, but it is perhaps the most inaccessibly written. Using the NIV and KJV, I am re-translating "the good book" for the information generation.
And yes, I stole the name from Conservapedia. Suck on that, Neo-Cons.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Sega Genesis, Chapters 1 and 2
I've decided to take it upon myself to translate the modern English King James Version of The Bible into the modern vernacular. Some of the more boring parts (e.g., the "begats", some overlaps, etc.) are paraphrased, but aside from modern colloquialisms, liberal use of Coors Light and a few wry remarks here and there, this is a fairly faithful (no pun intended) translation of The Bible. And it's not boring as shit to read.
Monday: Monday Morning, God created the Heaven and the Earth (first mistake). The earth was rather dark and inhospitable, so God was like, “Let there be light.” God's a real go-getter, and when he says something, that shit gets done. So there was light. God thought the light was pretty cool, so he separated the light from the darkness (because as everybody knows, darkness is totally uncool). God needed a name for light (besides light), so he went ahead and called it Day. God had the same problem with darkness—not having a good synonym, that is—so he called it Night.
So far, so good.
Tuesday: God still thought his project needed some touching up, so he went to work. He created a big dome to separate the Earth from outer space, which was probably a pretty good idea. We'll call this the space dome. Still holding steady.
Wednesday: God looked at earth and thought that a planet filled entirely with water probably wouldn't go over so well, so he decided that maybe he ought to throw in some land. He called water and land The Seas and Earth respectively, and then proceeded to do some hardcore metagardening. He looked at his project and thought to himself sweet.
Thursday: On day four God decided that his space dome needed some decoration so he put up some little shiny things and called them stars. Meanwhile, the plants from the third day were apparently doing okay without sunlight. There were also some technical difficulties with the light he created on the first day, so he decided that he'd let the stars handle the whole “light thing”. They also helped to clear up the whole day and night thing from the first day. God looked back and realized that most of the first day had been a total wash, since he was only resolving the whole day and night thing now. Whatever he thought to himself, it's all good.
Friday: God got kind of bored just having a solid wet rock inside his space dome, so he went ahead and decided to start something called life. He said, “Let the waters make life!” and every creature that comes from the sea came from the sea right then.
Pretty cool, huh? Beginner's shit, just you wait.
God thought that wun't bad fo a day, making every animal and shit and took a break until the next day.
Saturday: God was unsatisfied with all his water toys like a cranky toddler that doesn't want to take a bath so he said, “Let's get this shit movin' on land!” and poof! He made all the land animals.
God looked at himself in a mirror and thought who's that sexy fucker? Hey, maybe I should make a race of sexy fucks like me! So he did, and he called them man (second mistake). From here, things take a little nosedive.
God looked at all the animals and man and said, “Listen mane; all that shit down there is yo's. That's right, fo' free! How 'bout that? Now I want you to eat n' drink and fuck and fuck and fuck, okay? Get yo crunk and yo funk on, feel it?”
Day Seven: God kicked back with a half-rack of Coors and watched the game.
Here's God; kicking back on Sunday, watching the game. He's got a NO Saints beer cozy in his hand with a Coors light in it. God doesn't like cheap beer by any means, don't get me wrong, but after you drink six or seven really good beers you might as well be passed out. Six or seven Coors Lites will get you a good buzz going, even if you have to go piss like every five to ten minutes. God, however, is pretty much Omnipotent, so he can hold his bladder for like an hour, even after two six packs.
God, even with nobody around, likes to talk to himself. He likes to think aloud, one might say. This might be because he's got a really cool and powerful voice, or it might be because he's actually three people and he needs to address the other two versions of himself. It's never very clear who's talking out of the three (The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit), but you can be damn sure it's always God.
God, being done with his little project, decides to play with it. What's the point of spending a whole week on something if you can't play with it? There is none, exactly. God looks down and creates man again out of dust. I know, I know, he created man on the sixth day, but maybe he made a kind of rushed model and he wants to make a new one out of dust—because everybody knows that dust is a great building material. He calls this dude Adam.
God looked around for a place to put man, and decided Eden was pretty nice. Lots of trees, good sunlight—prime real estate, really. Someplace you might like to retire. God did a little gardening work and then placed man right there to be his gardener and groundskeeper, because if there's anything God hates, it's doing maintenance.
In the garden God put a big tree. He called this tree The Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Pretty epic, right?
Well, God tells Adam, “Hey, listen, you can eat anything in this garden you damn well please except for the fruit off The Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you eat that, you die. Sound good?”
“Cool.” said Adam. “Oh, hey, God?” Adam meekly continued.
“Yeah?” asks God.
“Well I was thinking, I've got this thing between my legs.”
“Yeah, I call that shit a penis.”
“Right, right. Well, I've been playing with it...”
“I noticed.” says God, chuckling at maybe the first snide sexual comment in history.
“Well,” continues Adam, “I've noticed that all the other beasts use their, uh, penises? Is that right?”
“Well I've noticed that they use them with other animals, other animals that don't have penises.”
“Hold that thought!” said God, as he brought forth every single animal in existence.
“What's up with this?” asked asked Adam.
“Well,” said God, “I made all these animals and shit, but I don't really want to take the time to name 'em, so I thought I'd leave that bullshit up to you.”
“Are you serious?” asked Adam. “There's gotta be like...like a ton of animals here! There's no way I can name all of these.
“Tee-eff-Bee.” said God.
“Too Fuckin' Bad. Get a'namin'!”
“Excuse me?” asked God in a threatening authoritative tone.
“I mean, uh...okay.”
Some centuries later, when Adam was done, God came back.
“So where were we?” asked God.
“I...I don't even remember.”
“Oh!” said God, “I 'rememba, y'all wanted some pussy.”
“But I have pussy, somewhere. I named that furry little creature like, thirty years ago.”
“No, no, I'm talkin' 'bout da other kind of pussy.”
“Uh...” Adam said, still not knowing a whole lot of nouns.
“I mean, you know, a woman? You want somebody to hang out wit' and use your penis on?”
“Yeah,” said Adam, “could you do me a solid like that?”
“Check this shit out!” said God and he cast a sleeping spell on Adam.
“What the...” Adam trailed off as he collapsed.
When Adam awoke he discovered that he was missing one of his ribs. He also discovered that God had made him this promised “pussy”.
“Whoa! Thanks God!” said Adam.
“It ain't nuttin, mane.” said God as he gave Adam a hi-five. “What are you gonna call her?”
“I get to name her?” asked Adam.
“Sure, like the animals.”
“Well,” said Adam, “isn't she a human, like me?”
“'Couse, mane, but y'all gotta have a name fo yo bitch. You know, so you can oppress her.”
“Oh, okay. I guess I'll call her Woman, then, because she was taken out of man.”
“Wha?” remarked God.
“What? Does everything you do make sense?” asked Adam. God shrugged.