The Bible is the most read book on the planet, but it is perhaps the most inaccessibly written. Using the NIV and KJV, I am re-translating "the good book" for the information generation.
And yes, I stole the name from Conservapedia. Suck on that, Neo-Cons.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sega Genesis, Chapters 3, 4 and 5
To understand The Serpent, you must first understand that The Serpent is a dick. For some reason God created him, knowing he'd be a dick, and knowing that he'd eventually cause man to fall from his favor. God—being omniscient—always knew that man would fall from his favor, but he created them anyways. Why? Don't ask; it's part of his plan.
One day the first woman was walking through the Garden when she happened upon the Tree With the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The serpent, being a dick, was hanging out on the forbidden tree, trying to peer pressure whoever came along. The woman happened to cross his path right after he used the tree-bathroom.
“Yo bitch!” said the serpent.
“You want some fruit?”
“I—I don't think I want that fruit,” responded the woman.
“Why don't you want that fruit?” asked the serpent in a sing-songed mocking feminine voice. “Didn't God say you could eat from every tree in the garden?”
“Yeah, that's right, but we're not supposed to eat from that tree,” said the woman. “God says if we eat from that tree, we die.”
“Oh come on!” said the serpent in sarcastic surprise. “You believe that bullshit? God knows that when you eat from this tree that you'll totally see shit for how it really is, man. He totally knows that when you eat this fruit you'd be just like Gods, and he doesn't want that, you know? Big guy doesn't want any competition.”
“Oh,” said the woman. “Well, when you put it that way...” and she took down one of the fruits and ate it. It tasted great, like most sinful things do. “Hey Adam!” called the woman, “You should take a bit of this, it's friggin delicious!”
“Okay,” said Adam. They feasted.
Instantly Adam and the woman's eyes were opened to the realities of the world.
“Whoa!” said Adam in surprise. “Is that a snake up there?”
“More of a serpent, really,” said the woman.
“No matter, man. That thing can totally see my junk. Yours, too! He's totally perving on us!” exclaimed Adam.
“Oh my God, you're totally right!” yelped the woman. The two tied fig leaves together to make some makeshift clothing.
“Damn, what was up with that? One moment we were all naked and okay with it, and the next—” the woman was shut up instantly as Adam clasped his hand over her mouth.
“Do you hear that?” asked Adam. The woman shook her head no.
“I think God's totally walking around here, let's go hide!” They hid.
It was Sunday and it was the Saint's bye week, so God was taking a leisurely stroll in the garden. He wanted to hang out with Adam and shoot the shit, but he was nowhere to be found. Geez, thought God to himselves, I'm omniscient, why is it I can't find my one man and woman on this earth?
“Hey!” God called. “Adam, you there bro?”
Adam emerged from the bushes with twigs and pine needles about his hair. “Right here, God-o,” he said. “Sorry, I was just—you know, I was naked and didn't want you to walk in on me or anything.”
“What?” asked God in surprise. “Who said you was naked? You didn't get hold of a mirror, did you? I'm not suppose ta have those invented for another four thousand years, around when I...oh, nevermind. How'd you know y'all's asses was naked?” God thought about it for a second, “Wait a Mennonite minute, did y'all eat off that tree I told you not to?”
Adam cast a dejected look towards the green earth, “Yeah,” he said humbly, but then amended the statement, “but it was totally the woman that told me to!”
God looked at the woman with fury, demanding an explanation. “It—it was totally the serpent! He made me do it!” she stammered.
God looked at the serpent with utter indignation, “Really mane? Did you play a brotha like that?” he asked him.
“What are you talking about?” asked the serpent, “It was totally you who created me to tell them to...”
God cut him off, “Damn you serpent motha fucka! 'Cause'a wach'u done, you gonna be all like cursed below everything in the whole damned field. For the rest of eternity and shit, I damn you and all yo' goofy ass kin to run on yo' belly and eat dust like a little bitch.”
“Dust?” protested the serpent. “Surely you don't mean I'll actually eat dust, I mean...”
“I have spoken, nigga!” said God, and the serpent was cast to the ground, never to speak again, and dammed to eat dust for eternity.
Serpents soon went extinct, since dust has little to no nutritional value.
“And you!” said God to the woman in equal temperament. “Guess what imma do to you?”
“I, I,” the woman stuttered in fright.
“What I'm gonna do for you is make it hurt like a bitch every time you have a baby. No, wait, I'm going to make it hurt like a motha fucka fo' every female for every animal. How y'all like that? You just went and fucked over yo' entire gender, happy?”
“No, I...” started the woman, but she was summarily cut off by God's booming baritone.
“Know what else? Y'all're gonna be yo husband's bitch. You a slave fo' life, baby.”
The woman began to cry.
“And you!” God shouted towards Adam, throwing a spiteful shit-fit. “'Cause yo dumb ass listens to women, y'all're gonna have ta work for the rest of you life, and every man after you is going to have to work fo all they damned lives!”
“Work?” asked Adam, still getting a hold of the language.
“Yea nigga, it means y'all is gonna haffa do shit and sweat yo ass out to make some bread, get it?”
“Yeah mane, it's like this shit that...I haven't showed you bread, really?”
“Yeah,” continued Adam in confusion, “what's bread?”
“Well,” started God, “bread is like—fuck—y'all know wheat?”
“I know wheat.”
“Okay, so like y'all mash up the wheat a shit-ton 'till it's all like this shit y'all call flour, okay? The flower is like this powdery shit. You mix that shit with water n' yeast.”
“Oh, dammit, nevermind. I'll explain to y'all some other time.”
“I just wanted to kn—” started Adam.
God cut him off, “Shut up, dummy! Where was I? Oh, right, you haffa work for eternity. And yo dumbass children, too.”
“Well what if I decide...”
Anticipating his answer, God shouted, “You die! That's what happens. You don't have anything to eat and you starve, okay?”
“What else?” asked God to himselves, “Oh, right. Bitch, yo name's Eve!”
“Because you the mother of all living!”
“I'm not sure I get the connection...” postulated Eve.
“You questionin' me?” asked God.
“Well, it's just that Eve really doesn't...”
“Shut up, ho!” said God and shut her up with his power. “Here, take these,” he said, throwing some fur coats to Adam and Eve. “Get cho ugly motha fuckin' asses dressed and get the fuck out my medammed garden!”
Adam knew his wife; which is to say that he shot his wad right between her thighs, and nine months later a dude named Cain fell out. “Hey God!” she yelled upon giving birth, raising a defiant middle finger towards heaven, “I've made a man, looks like you're not the only one that can do that!”
God shrugged his shoulders and went back to drinking his Coors light.
Soon thereafter Eve gave birth to Abel. Abel had a certain penchant for raising animals, whereas Cain was good at raising crops, and thusly had the world's first grow-op, making him the first weed dealer in history. The only person who bought from him, of course, was Abel, since herding sheep requires the kind of patience you can only gain by smoking an ass-load of kushy, dank buds.
When harvest time came, Cain brought down his fruits and vegetables and even a QP of his finest bud and burned it in an offering to God. At the same time Abel brought down the fattest of his flock of sheep and killed it on an alter to God in sacrifice. God didn't find any entertainment in the picking and burning of fruits and he preferred the inebriative effects of Coors light to those of high-resin marijuana—since pot made him way too paranoid to the point that he'd start to think that he (the holy ghost) was totally judging him and making fun of him (the father) behind his back, even though they shared the same back; however, he did find a jovial sadistic pleasure in the slaughter of innocent animals, so naturally he favored Abel's sacrifice over Cain's. Cain caught wind of this and wandered the fields in indignation, cursing and scowling.
God saw this and spoke to Cain, saying, “Wassup mane? Why you so fuckin' pissed? Ain't it the troof at if you do what's right you'll be solid? But you know if ya don't do what is right, sin is gonna fuck wit chu, mane. It's a motha fucka.”
Later that day Cain came to Abel and said to him, “Hey broham, do you want to go out into the field and hang out?”
“Why?” Abel asked suspiciously.
“You know, because we have nothing better to do.”
“Well, we can sit here, on the ground.”
“Yeah, but you've been doing that all day.”
“But I went out into the field yesterday.”
“Yeah, but sometimes it's nice to have variety in your life,” Cain postulated.
“That's what I'm saying,” retorted Abel, “I was in the field yesterday, today I'm sitting here on the ground. Tomorrow I'll go walk out in the field again. It's like, my routine.”
“Please? I'm bored.”
“I don't really...”
“Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”
“Well...Okay,” said Abel, finally giving in. “But tomorrow, I want to sit there the whole day.”
“Okay, that's fine,” said Cain.
The two went walking out in the field. When they'd reached a point far beyond the distance of their mother and father, Cain took his planned course of action.
“Hey, Abel, look over there, it's a serpent!”
“A serpent?” asked Abel. “I thought those dust-eating creatures went extinct from being only able to eat du—” he stopped as Cain brought down a large rock on his head.
“Take that! And take that too! And that you animal sacrificing piece of shit! That's what you get for making me look like a dumbass for burning plants! You stupid sheep herding pile of crap asshole mother...” Cain continued on into the night hacking, whacking, and pounding away at his brother's head.
The next day Cain went wandering the fields when God called on him, “Yo Cain, you see Abel anywhere? I've been searchin' that nigga all medammed day and I can't find his monkey ass anywhere.”
“I, uh, I don't know God, I guess he—I don't know. What am I supposed to be, anyways, his bodyguard or something? How the hell should I know where he is?” Cain responded cryptically.
The lord looked at him sarcastically, “Mane, whachu think I am? Some kinda clown-ass nigga? I'm damned all-knowing you goofy ass motha fucka. Yo brotha's blood and the ground told me you offed his sorry ass. You know what? You done a brotha wrong. 'Cause you fucked wit' the ground by getting yo brotha's blood on it you can use that ground no mo. You can't plant shit from now on, and I'mma make you a wanderin' hobo motha fucka, bitch.”
Cain began to cry, trying to seek God's mercy, “No, no please God, I don't want to *sniff* I don't want to be a hobo. Please? If you make me go then I gotta hide from you, and I don't *sniff* wanna! If I'm a hobo anybody who sees me is gonna kill me!”
Of course, there were now three people in the world. Cain was afraid that the other two—his mother and father—might kill him. What the fuck?
God didn't want to hear his bitching and moaning anymore after a while, “A'ight, a'ight. I'll tell y'all what. I'mma make yo sorry ass a deal. You still a hobo, but anybody that fucks wit' you gonna get it seven times as bad. Seven times, nigga!”
God put a special mark on Cain, saying “Don't fuck with this man,” thus creating the world's first hobo and the world's first prison ink.
Cain left later that day and went to live in Nod, which is a place East of Eden. No relation to the book.
When he got to Nod, Cain knew his wife, which is to say they bumped uglies without protection and neither of them had enough to cover an abortion (recall Cain couldn't grow any plants, and even through Planned Parenthood at the time an abortion cost half a bushel of wheat just for the down payment). Nine months later, Cain's wife shat out Enoch. At the same time, Cain was busy building a city (yes, by himself). He decided to name it Enoch—after his firstborn son—because Cain was totally uncreative with names.
Enoch was the great-great-great-great-grandfather to a dude named Jabal. Jabal was the first man to live in a tent. Interesting historical bit, eh? Jabal's brother, Jubal, was the first to play harp and flute. Jabal's mother would often say to him, “I'm so glad you're doing so well with your livestock business! I hear you just got a new tent!” and he'd say, “Yes mother, it has front flaps now.” She'd respond, “Oh my Lord! How wonderful! You know, your brother, Jubal, is still living his little fantasies of trying to make it as a professional musician and I tell him, 'why don't you be more like your brother and live in a tent and raise livestock?' and he says to me, 'fuck you mom', can you believe that? And then he says to me, 'I'm living my dream, and you shouldn't try to bring down my dream because you got knocked up with Jabal and couldn't live yours!' and then he runs out nearly in tears! Can you believe that?” and Jabal says, “It's okay ma, I'll talk to him. Maybe I'll see again if he wants to work with me raising livestock.” and she responds, “Would you do that? That would be so good of you.”
Jabal and Jubal had a step-brother named Tubal-Cain, who was the first blacksmith, ever. There was no war in those days, so there was no need for armor or weapons, ergo Tubal-Cain made what he called “tools” but what everybody else called “useless”. Some examples are; a pipe created for the collection of kinds of dirt so that the dirt can then be carried to another field and the colors and textures of the dirt can be compared—a giant bronze hat made to block out the sun, but always was more burdensome from its weight than it was helpful—the first deck of playing cards, although it was made out of iron so shuffling a deck took upwards of fifteen minutes and when the cards were all stacked it stood as high as two men—a branding iron, although since everybody was in the same family, there was no need for it, and on and on went the list of his useless inventions.
One day Lamech—the father of Jabal, Jubal and Tubal-Cain—came home with a scrape on his knee. He spoke to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, listen to me! You, wives of Lamech, listen to my words! I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for hurting me. If Cain is to be avenged seven times as much, then Lamech seventy-seven times!” he raged in fury. Jabal overheard this and asked his father, “Father, what did the man do?”
His father responded, “The man thought it would be funny to trip me, and I scraped my gosh damned knee!”
“Father, isn't your punishment a little, um, harsh for such a petty offense?” asked the faithful son.
“Didn't you hear me? Seventy-seven! Do you know what a scraped knee times seventy-seven is?”
“I do not, father.”
“A scraped knee times seventy-seven is death!” his father shouted in drunken rage. Lamech had anger issues.
Soon after the knee incident, Adam knew his wife, again, which is to say—well, you know. They did it. They named their son Seth. After Seth fell out of her, Eve remarked, “God has given me another child in place of Abel because Cain killed him.” Adam responded, “Well, you can't really replace a dead child, can you? I mean, I really cared for Abel...” Eve cut him off saying, “He's male, isn't he? This is like God's return policy.” Adam shrugged it off, but decided to beat his wife later for her disobedience. Seth had a son who he named Enosh. That is not pertinent to the story in any way, so you can go ahead and forget Enosh. He was kind of a pussy, anyways.
Adam was the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of Noah. When Noah was five-hundred years old he had three children; triplets he named Shem, Ham and Jepheth.