Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sega Genesis, Chapters 6 and 7

Chapter Six

When people started to multiply, they popped out some fly honies. Every guy that walked the earth saw these fly honies and said “Dayyyummm!” Thus they took wives from any one of them they wanted. They did not ask for wives; there were no proposals; they took them, much the same way you'd take a free newspaper or Halloween candy that's in a bowl that says We're Out Right Now So Help Yourself – Only Take One Piece! and of course very few of these dudes—much like you and the Halloween candy—could help themselves, and many of them took two, three, four or more wives. None of them were married, however, they were just fucking. Perhaps “wives” isn't the right term. I think “fuck buddies” or “rape victims” would be more befitting. Yes; men would take two, three, four or more rape victims.
God looked down on the men and said to himselves, “Know what? Since deez nigga ain't gonna live forever, dey ain't gonna believe in me forever. I think I'll kill 'em all after one-hundred and twenty years.” There were good men around, of course, but they were few and far between.
God looked down on the men of earth and read their minds. He found out that they were constantly thinking about evil things and sin and all that nasty stuff, and he was highly offended. Even though he created every single one of them and knew in advance exactly how their lives were going to play out, he was still kind of pissed off that they were evil. God, of course, designed them to be evil, and having dominion over all made them think the evil thoughts that offended him so much. He regretted that he made something that he knew he was going to eventually regret and said to himselves, “Fuck dis noise. Fuck it all. Why'd I make all this bullshit anyways? Mankind is a fucked up motha fucka, so I'mma go ahead and kill 'em. No, wait, I'm so pissed I'mma kill everything! That'll show those clown-ass foos. Oh yeah, except that Noah-ass motha fucka, he's cool.”

Noah was down with God. God was down with Noah. Noah killed a lot of animals for God and every time he'd come over he'd always bring a half-rack of Coors light, which pleased God greatly. The rest of humanity, for the most part, were a bunch of violent, hyper-sexual, sinful cunt chimneys.
One day Noah was hanging out with God. God opened his ninth Coors light (by now he was a little tipsy) and he said to Noah, “Mane, this shit's allll fucked up, you know? I'mma kill everything alive 'cause, the way I see it, all this bullshit violence is being caused by everythin' that alive. I'mma destroy they sorry asses and the Erff.”
“The Erff?” asked Noah.
“The Earth,” God clarified, annunciating.
Noah gulped and pulled out his collar as if to cool himself down. He grew very nervous and God could sense the nervousness on his face and in his motions. “Don't worry nigga, I ain't gonna kill you! I wanchu ta be like my number one main man!” He said to Noah's relief. “Now what I wanchu to do,” God continued, “is that you need to build a big motha fuckin' boat, yeah? You need to build a boat and I got plans n' shit here. The boat's gonna be like onna dem fuckin' sweet ass yaughts like you see on the rap videos.”
“Rap videos?” asked Noah in utter confusion.
“Did I say that? Fuck mane, I'm getting' drunk!”
“But, what's a rap video?” Noah asked for clarification.
“Don't worry my man, dat shit's way in the future. Like, couple thousand or sumfin'. Anyway, I want y'all to make a boat and it's gonna be all four-hunder' n' fiffy feet long, seveny-five feet wide, n' fow-tee-five feet high. You gotta cover it in tar and sap and shit so it don't leak, then build a roof on that motha fucka and then you gotta put like, a door too. Check this shit out.”
God handed Noah a heavily scribbled-on cocktail napkin that had Ark Plans written on it with a few numbers along with the words Roof, Door and Big Ass Boat.
“Um, I hate to question you, God, but why do I need a big boat?”
“Don't interrupt me, nigga! I was just gettin' to that. What I'mma do is I'mma flood this Earff wit' water and drown all deez phony niggas and snitches out!”
“Oh my! I'm to be the only one left? What about my family, dear lord? What about my wife and my sons and...”
“Man, shut yo monkey-ass up and don't interrupt! I'mma let you take yo bitch and yo boys and yo boy's bitches. You also gotta take two of every animal, a boy an'a girl. Den you gots 'ta get all kinds'a food in the world to feed yo family and the animals.”
Noah looked in perplexity at the cocktail napkin, “Um, are you sure all of this is going to fit on this boat? I mean, there's a lot of animals out there and won't the animals try to eat the other animals? I mean—”
God cut him off, “What the fuck? You sayin' I ain't legit? You sayin' my science ain't tight? My science is too tight, nigga. You best respek or yo ass'll be off that boat and in that flood.”
Noah postured a diminutive frown.
Noah spent an entire century building the boat with his sons. Routinely the townspeople from nearby would come and point and laugh, saying, “Look at that moron, look at him building his giant boat. What a big dummy boat.” Then they'd yell, “Hey Noah, why you building that boat?” and Noah would respond, “God told me to!” and they'd laugh a big guffaw and have their kicks at his expense. “Did you hear 'im? He said 'God told me to!', oh boy, gee golly what a laugh and a half.” Noah would grin a knowing, sinister grin. The grin of a man who knows of the impending doom of the earth but won't tell anybody about it because he looks forward to repopulating the earth by himself.

Chapter Seven

When the century was up, and Noah had the boat completed, God came to him and said, “Whoa mane, that fuckin' boat's a little smaller than I thought. I hope y'all can get all this shit on here.”
“You said it would all fi—it's just two of every animal and a bunch of food, right?” asked Noah pathetically.
“Shit bro, I didn't tell y'all? Y'alls supposed 'ta take two of every dirty animal n' shit. Y'all gotta take seven a' the fuckin' clean ones and the birds. Didn't you think about that shit?”
“What...what do you mean clean and dirty animals? Are we talking the ones that roll around in mud are clean?”
“Fuck nah. The clean ones is the animals that ain't all sinful and shit and don't fuck each otha' bu'fo marriage.”
“Fuck each o—what do you mean? Animals don't get married. They can't be morally clean or sinful, they're animals!” Noah protested.
“What the fuck, bitch? I made all deez mo' fuckin' animals and you tellin' me they ain't dirty o' clean? You better check yo-self.”
“Befo y'all wreck yo-self.”
Noah sighed. No matter what he said, he was a faithful servant of God. He couldn't argue with God's will, so he just sighed, resigned himself and said, “Okay.”
God continued, “'Cause in one motha fuckin' week I'mma come up and boom! I'mma flood this motha fuckin' Earff like you ain't neva seen this mo'fucka flooded before. This shit's gonna be the wettest mo'fuckin' flood yo ass has eva seen, nigga!”
One week later the floods began to come. Waves rose up like great azure liquid walls surrounding the land and the heavens opened and let the rain come forth. When the waves began to come, so did the animals. In pairs of two, male and female, clean and unclean, things that crawled and things that flew, things that walked and things that burrowed from place to place in the soil. They all came. They all fit. It was a logistical impossibi—rather, a logistical improbability, but everything is possible with God as your boat engineer.
For forty days and forty nights it rained. Some people think the rain comes in cycles. With God, however, whenever all of the evaporated water was precipitated and used up he added more clouds and made more water. When the floods ended, God figured, he'd take back the excess water he put on the earth.
All of the land on the earth was flooded and everything on land died; things that crawled, things that flew, things that walked, things that burrowed through the earth, things clean and things unclean, animals that were both sinful and unsinful; they all died. All except that which was with Noah on his big-ass yacht.
The waters were fierce; day after day for forty days and nights the waters swarmed and sweltered the land, swelling up first beyond all the buildings, then beyond all the trees, then over the hills and then over the mountains. The waters rose up twenty feet over the mountains, which—if you do the math—means that the waters rose over six miles above sea level. Things got wet. The ark rose so high that it was hard to breathe, the air being so thin that high up in the atmosphere.
Everything, everything on land and in the air was killed. The ark, however, floated above the torrents gleefully like a rubber ducky in a bathtub, for God looked after the ark and made sure that shit didn't fuck up. He wasn't about to have to start from scratch again and make another man from dust, only to have him be tempted again by his woman, who was tempted by a dust-eating serpent to eat educational fruit. God didn't want to have to go through that shit again.
Now it is said that everything on dry land that breathed air died. This, of course, does not account for the fish in the sea and all things that breathed of water. It is well known that God is a big fan of fish (having created sea animals before land animals), and thus he spared the fish, even the dirty, sinful ones.
After the forty days and forty nights of rain the pouring stopped. The water remained on the earth for another one-hundred and ten days before things got back to normal. It took just three and a half months for five miles deep of water to evaporate, to which God said, “Yeah boyy, my science is too tight!”


  1. I always said I wanted to read the bible, thanks for making it happen :D

  2. This makes reading the Bible so much more fun. Thank you!

  3. Hahaha, this is hilarious! Never thought I would say this one day but I can't wait to read some more stuff about the bible!